Lonely Americans Saddened Census Is Only Barely Interested In Their Lives

Hundreds of thousands of lonely American citizens, consistently ignored by their neighbors, co-workers, and families, found some potential solace when they received a postcard from the Federal Government earlier this year indicating even they would be contacted as part of the U.S 2010 Census.

Upon learning that someone held an interest in who they were and what their lives were like, socially inept outcasts and the perpetually ignored citizens across the country waited with anticipation for the census forms to arrive.

As required by the Constitution, the U.S. Census is charged with counting every resident in the United States, even those citizens that nobody cares about. The questions are limited to collecting information about residents’ names, address, age, sex, and race in order to properly allocate federal funds targeted towards public works projects, hospitals, schools, and emergency services.

Having no common bond with anyone around her, Sarah Feldman, a lonely Chicago area resident, was excited to open up her newly arrived correspondence and eager to tell someone –anyone– about her personal attributes, anxious to share her hopes, dreams, and aspirations.

Unfortunately for Feldman’s fragile self image, the Census questionnaire was no more interested in her well-being --or what her summer plans were-- than anyone else she may boldly claim as an acquaintance.

“This is it?” Feldman asked with disappointment, realizing that the form was limited to 10 simple questions, and not one was about how her day was going. “It’s like only a page long!”

Feldman was quick to notice that there was no place to tell anyone about her three cats, who she claimed are like children to her.

“I’d want to write about how cute they are when they wrestle or how this one time, when Mr. Kittles found The Big Bopper lounging in his warm spot in the kitch. . . ” Feldman said as this reporter lost interest.

“Also, it didn‘t ask what religion I was.” Feldman said. “I had just converted to the Seventh Day Adventists and now I’m much more at peace. By the way, have you found Jes–.”

Feldman was unable to offer anything else of substance but was intrigued that the Census form did ask for her phone number. She has since spent long hours sitting by the phone waiting for someone to call.

Census Bureau Director Robert Groves has been surprised at the pathetic responses from Americans that spanned cultural, racial, and educational backgrounds.

“The slogan for the 2010 US Census is ‘We can’t move forward until you mail it back,’” said Director Groves. “Although, it appears as though some of our solitary citizenry are having a great deal of difficulty moving forward.”

The Census Bureau reports having received tens of thousands of letters from shut-ins and the homebound hoping that the agency that resides within the Department of Commerce would soon write back.

“They are begging that we please ‘ask them something else. . . anything’,” Director Groves said. “We cannot be your pen pal.”

Additionally, many were further distraught to learn that the Census is only conducted once a decade and won’t be back in 2011.

“I was hoping a census worker would drop by maybe next year,” said Feldman, who hasn’t had a face to face conversation with anyone for three months due to being chronically homebound with agoraphobia. “No one ever came to see me this time. . . . someone please visit me.”

Al-Qaeda Inadvertently Accepts CIA's Facebook Friend Request

In one of the most successful intelligence windfalls in years, the Central Intelligence Agency is celebrating its recent acquisition of crucial terrorist operational data and network connections obtained only after becoming al-Qaeda's friend on Facebook.

Why the international terrorist organization made such a tactical blunder in allowing the American spy agency into their inner circle is not entirely clear.  However, after a years-long intelligence stalemate, agency sources indicate that al-Qaeda accepted the CIA's friend request in early May of this year.

"It was a complete one in a million shot but we had exhausted all of our options" CIA spokesman, Paul Gimigliano said, "but after experiencing only modest intel gains lately, we just went for it to see what would happen."

Gimigliano credits the Agency's success to a recently hired data analyst who suggested a new social media battle front against international terror networks.  In December, a request was sent to the Director of the Office of Terrorism Analysis for the establishment of a joint operation to click the "Add as Friend" button.

Five months later, "Operation Evildoer Link" was launched and after four days of nail-biting anticipation, a message came through indicating that the secretive terrorist organization finally accepted the CIA as its Facebook friend.   As a result, the CIA was rewarded with a treasure trove of network connections, photo albums, friend lists, as well as likes and interests.

CIA officials were amazed at how easy it was to access the terror network's inner friend circle but it became clear that the need for social acceptance was al-Qaeda's achilles heel.

"As it turns out, they were friending anyone who would ask," Gimigliano said. ". . .how do you have 4,000 friends, really?  We should have thought of this a long time ago."

Within days, the CIA exhausted their collection of data from al-Qaeda's main wall page, quickly cataloguing who it was talking to, recent insurgency operations it attended, and its "liking" attacks on infidels by other terrorist groups.  Investigators then stumbled upon a much longer record of its reign of terror by clicking an "Older Posts" link at the bottom of the page.

"It just opened up a complete history of their operations," Gimigliano said. "As it turns out, they were actually involved in the 9-11 attacks after all. . .glad we were able to put that to rest."

CIA analysts were again able to get a deeper understanding of the group's nefarious enterprise by clicking the "info" button which revealed what activities al-Qaeda was into, its interests, where it went for training, and its favorite movies (none), music (none), and television shows (none).

This release of operational information to western intelligence agencies has been devastating.  Al-Qaeda has subsequently found its leadership decimated and had several major attack plans thwarted over the last month.  However, just as it has in the past, al-Qaeda will adjust and adapt and the CIA is preparing for that day.

Example of thwarted al Qaeda operation

"Now that they've de-friended us, we'll have to look for other sources of information," said the CIA's spokesman. "We hope we can get one of our agents to join a Yemini terrorist club on Meetup.com or something."

Currently, the CIA is hoping al Zawahiri (al-Qaeda's #2) will accept their recent LinkedIn connection request.

"It's more of a business-oriented networking site," Gimigliano said, ". . . more of a trusted professional thing, so we don't think he will suspect anything."

FEMA Releases Preparation Guide for an Extinction-sized Meteorite Impact

WASHINGTON -- The thought of an approaching meteor the size of Manhattan is certain to cause anyone a fair amount of anxiety.  However, you can provide some level of comfort to your family by attempting to prepare for this once-in-a-billion-years event.

Small objects are constantly colliding with the earth every day, and most go unnoticed.  Large meteors however will very rarely cross Earth's orbit but one can never be too prepared for "the big one".

The Federal Emergency Management Agency has released simple recommendations that will guide you in avoiding the apocolyptic devastation that astronomers tell us isn't a matter of "if" but rather "quite possibly any day now. . .I mean, you never know".

This excerpt from FEMA's guide on Preparing for an Extinction-sized Meteorite Impact should help you get ready for the earth shaking impact and the complete destruction to follow:

Preparing for an Extinction-sized Meteorite Impact - A FEMA Guide to your Health and Safety

In advance of death raining down from the heavans, Government agencies may issue health and safety advisories or recommendations as to how to prepare for the impending annihilation of all sentient life.

If you have any questions or concerns, you should contact your local or state emergency management department and pay close attention to the important instructions conveyed through their panicked screams.

Here are some tips for riding out the all-encompassing devastation.

• Be sure to stay indoors. The great majority of injuries during such an impact are cuts and abrasions caused by flying shards as well as huge chunks of the meteorite and earthly debris.  Additionally, expect a fair amount of incineration from the molten planetary crust raining down from the skies. 


• Make certain that you collect all essential medications --both prescription and over the counter-- for your emergency kit.  You should then be able to adequately sedate or induce a state of detached euphoria for you and your family to ride out the destruction of all of humanity. 


• No need to wear eye protection as the resulting fireball from the impact will likely be beyond the horizon so you'll be safe from any immediate thermal radiation.  However, you'll want to reinforce windows and doors to guard against the 1,000 mph super-heated airblast encircling the globe. 


• Collect your cold weather wear to ride out the decade-long winter created by the sun being obstructed by atmospheric ash and smoke.  Temperatures could drop below freezing --even in the summer-- and because you'll be without electricity or a natural gas supply for years to come, you'll want to bundle up. 


• Keep your clothes and perishables in sealed plastic bags so they don't get wet from the 800 meter-high tsunami that will destroy coastal communities worldwide. 


• Pack up a couple of week's worth of canned and dry food items as well as bottles of water.  In doing so, you'll keep yourself occupied and not worry yourself about the coming mass extinction event not seen since the end of the Permian some 250 million years ago.


• Develop a family emergency plan so everyone will know where to meet under the shadow of their impending doom. 

You too can improve the perception that you are doing something to make you and you loved ones safe by going to FEMA.gov and download the complete copy.  The guide is expected to be updated sometime after December 2012.

Scientists To Define Kilogram As Being 1/100th The Mass Of Area Man

At their recent General Conference, the International Bureau of Weights and Measures (IBWM) has chosen to define the kilogram --roughly equal to about 2.2 lbs and the base unit of metric mass in standard scientific measurements and calculations-- to be precicely 1/100 the mass of Travis Phillips, a warehouse manager for a Chicago-area Best Buy distribution center.

After two decades of debate, physicists have chosen to assign the most widely used scientific measurement as being exactly one hundredth the mass of Phillips who, despite frequent attempts to get in shape, has been stuck at a consistant weight of 100 KG, or 220.42262 lbs for over 12 years.

Bernard Colliex, a project leader for the Standards Committee for the IBWM explains the decision to take advantage of Phillips' unwavering mass as a breakthrough in maintaining scientific consistency, ensuring that all fields of investigation will henceforth hold perfect agreement over reported measurements.

"We have such confidence that Phillips will never make his weight goals, despite many failed and pathetic attempts at dieting and exercise," Colliex said, ". . . that we are willing to peg the exalted kilogram to the constant mass of this frustrated yet consistently obese man."

Since their inaugural meeting held in 1889, when the committee was charged with maintaining the uniformity of the international system of units, the kilogram has been long defined as being equal to the mass of a particular cylinder made from a platinum-iridium alloy kept in a vault near Paris, France.

Unfortunately, physicists for the international advisory group have measured slight variations in the cylinder's weight, making it unreliable. Because many units in the SI system are defined relative to the kilogram, its precision is necessary for scientific research around the world.

The committee expressed confidence that using Mr. Phillips as new reference point will give them the highest degree of precision to date. They noted that while Phillips had been known to walk a couple of miles over lunch break, he would subsequently reward himself with a McFlurry on his drive home from work, so any weight changes have been shown to be indistinguishable to 10 decimal places.

Misanthrope Mistaken for Misogynist

CHICAGO -- It's a mistake we all make every now and then; the vicious berating of a female co-worker, the insensitive demeaning of your child’s fourth-grade teacher, or the vile expletives directed at a random woman in a Safeway parking lot, all of which might be taken personally.

For David Whittle, a similar circumstance almost got him into hot water at work.

Having upset three female co-workers by scoffing at their contributions in Tuesday's budget meeting, Whittle, a deputy finance director and rather distasteful human being, was mistakenly labeled as merely a woman-hater by the female members of the South Pacific Coffee Company's marketing department.

Whittle, often labeled as a sexist by the women who know him, created a flurry of outrage within the brand management team at the Chicago-based coffee distribution company. Comprised of all women, the entire marketing department was shocked by Whittle's recent comments about their apparent lack of critical thinking skills.

While attempting to get them to "think straight about their budgets", he was reported to have accused the team of having their "pretty blonde hair pulled back so tight, it cut off circulation to their chemically bleached brains."

Cynthia Reynolds, one of the targets of the verbal assault, immediately set up a meeting with Human Resources to file a complaint on behalf of the other women in the group.  To her surprise, it turns out that Whittle in fact despises most everybody and does not limit his hate-filled bile to just women.

Upon learning of her mistaken attribution of chauvinism, Reynolds was embarrassed and apologetic.

"Oh dear, I had no idea," she said red-faced. "I almost made a big mistake, didn't I?"

According to Howard Regan, the company's HR manager, there was no need to be alarmed about Whittle's apparent focused rage and hatred.

"He can be a real jackass to most everyone who knows him," Regan said, "but he's relatively harmless, spreading around his prejudiced hostility equally".

Regan recounted a similar misunderstanding last week when Whittle apparently went off on Trevor from accounting for leaving the spoon drawer open in the break room, letting loose a barrage of ethnic slurs not heard since the Chicago Race Riots of 1919.

"I was able to calm Trevor down and point out that David's just a big prick to pretty much everyone," Regan said. "Good thing he's not just a bigot, or we'd have a racial harassment lawsuit on our hands."

Despite Whittle's constant personal attacks on his associates and their distinguishing characteristics, the employees of South Pacific Coffee Company were relieved to know that there was no evidence of sexual, religious, and racial harassment in the workplace.

Their traumatic experiences with Whittle have been written off as nothing more than him just being a truly awful human being, completely indiscriminate in his verbal assaults, and not specifically a violation of Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964

Ugandan Child-soldiers Call "No tag-backs" After Attack on Government Troops

KAMPALA, UGANDA-- Standing proud amidst the smoldering remains of fuel trucks and personnel carriers, 11-year old Ogwambi Sumwego, a commander in the Youth Corps of the Lord's Resistance Army, screamed "no tag-backs" to the fleeing government soldiers.


According to the small-statured Sumwego and his band of pre-teen freedom fighters, the proclamation was meant to assure there would be no retribution for the swift and brutal attack on Ugandan Army troops and supplies.

"I called it," Sumwego announced while high-fiving his vicious but socially awkward preadolescent soldiers. "We will see no retaliation from these government dogs."

Violations of international rules of war have been raised amid eyewitness reports that Sumwego ignored cries of "time out" from disoriented soldiers.  Reports have surfaced that he may have even commanded his unit to fire on soldiers who had designated a nearby matoke tree as "base".

It is unclear whether Sumwego's "no tag-back" proclamation will even stand according to international observers as he failed to invoke "infinity" after his announcement, leaving the period of safe operations in that region uncertain. 

Colonel Robert Sibanda, a United Nations military observer assigned to the Ugandan war zone, has some doubts as to whether the fleeing army personnel could even hear Sumwego's prepubescent voice over the secondary explosions and death throes of the government soldiers.

"If they can't even hear what you are saying, then it shouldn't count," Colonel Sibanda said.

After a long campaign of guerrilla attacks on government supply lines and paramilitary patrols, Somwego stands poised to lead his troops into the port city of Jinja by sometime in the early spring.  Upon learning of his approach to the prized center of trade for southeastern Uganda, Somwego's parents, who are being held in a government work camp, were asked about their son's rise to power and recent achievements.

"We are so very proud of Ogwambi," his father, Ojore Sumwego said. "I didn't lead my first insurgency until I was 23".

Sumwego senior was quick to point out, however, that young Ogwambi had much to learn about how to properly conduct a revolution and was concerned about what his son will do once the city is taken.

"He won't appreciate how good a strategic resource he will have in his small hands," said the young partisan's father.

"Oh sure, he'll hold on to the city for a while, toy with its inhabitants," Sumwego senior said, "but then he will just get bored and move on to something else. I mean. . . that new machete we gave him for his birthday last year just sits in the garage. There is no pleasing the boy."

Deal Struck Between Airline Passengers Leads to Sharing Drop-Down Tray Table

Delta Airline passengers Cynthia Grey of seat 7D and Ed Towson of seat 7F each laid joint tenancy claims to the drop-down tray table that belonged to the empty center seat that had remained unoccupied between them upon take-off from Chicago's O'Hare Airport.


The non-verbal, unwritten agreement was established hastily and without negotiation, just seconds prior to the delivery of Grey's orange juice and honey roasted peanuts and Towson's Pepsi and pair of Jim Beam mini bottles.

Each contract participant's refreshment was to be provided on their own allocated 16.625 by 9.625 inch square horizontal surface but the flight attendant's planned service for the two passengers was impeded by her laptop and his Super Sudoku book.

Towson's quick action to unclasp and lower the unused center seat's tray table drew implicit approval from Grey as she immediately secured half of the much needed surface space.  Her requisition of the left side of the tray table was met without objection from Towson.

The two-hour agreement was not without some contentious moments however.  Just minutes after the seat-belt sign turned off, Grey got up and went to the restroom.  It was at that moment that Towson attempted to obtain 10% more space upon her departure.  His assumption was that by her vacating the area, it was an act of acquiescence by Grey of any property claims.

An immediate challenge was levied by Grey upon her return and a new agreement was reached after fifteen minutes of non-verbal negotiations.  Tactical napkin placement and subtle maneuvering of their Biscoff cookies once again resulted in a relatively equal, although rather asymmetric, sharing of the tray.

When the plane's final descent into Denver was announced, the joint-use arrangement was dissolved just as effortlessly as it was created.  Without so much as a spoken word, Grey and Towson each fulfilled their final obligation to the initial agreement, applying an equal and simultaneous force to the bottom of the tray and returning it to its upright and locked position.