Misanthrope Mistaken for Misogynist

CHICAGO -- It's a mistake we all make every now and then; the vicious berating of a female co-worker, the insensitive demeaning of your child’s fourth-grade teacher, or the vile expletives directed at a random woman in a Safeway parking lot, all of which might be taken personally.

For David Whittle, a similar circumstance almost got him into hot water at work.

Having upset three female co-workers by scoffing at their contributions in Tuesday's budget meeting, Whittle, a deputy finance director and rather distasteful human being, was mistakenly labeled as merely a woman-hater by the female members of the South Pacific Coffee Company's marketing department.

Whittle, often labeled as a sexist by the women who know him, created a flurry of outrage within the brand management team at the Chicago-based coffee distribution company. Comprised of all women, the entire marketing department was shocked by Whittle's recent comments about their apparent lack of critical thinking skills.

While attempting to get them to "think straight about their budgets", he was reported to have accused the team of having their "pretty blonde hair pulled back so tight, it cut off circulation to their chemically bleached brains."

Cynthia Reynolds, one of the targets of the verbal assault, immediately set up a meeting with Human Resources to file a complaint on behalf of the other women in the group.  To her surprise, it turns out that Whittle in fact despises most everybody and does not limit his hate-filled bile to just women.

Upon learning of her mistaken attribution of chauvinism, Reynolds was embarrassed and apologetic.

"Oh dear, I had no idea," she said red-faced. "I almost made a big mistake, didn't I?"

According to Howard Regan, the company's HR manager, there was no need to be alarmed about Whittle's apparent focused rage and hatred.

"He can be a real jackass to most everyone who knows him," Regan said, "but he's relatively harmless, spreading around his prejudiced hostility equally".

Regan recounted a similar misunderstanding last week when Whittle apparently went off on Trevor from accounting for leaving the spoon drawer open in the break room, letting loose a barrage of ethnic slurs not heard since the Chicago Race Riots of 1919.

"I was able to calm Trevor down and point out that David's just a big prick to pretty much everyone," Regan said. "Good thing he's not just a bigot, or we'd have a racial harassment lawsuit on our hands."

Despite Whittle's constant personal attacks on his associates and their distinguishing characteristics, the employees of South Pacific Coffee Company were relieved to know that there was no evidence of sexual, religious, and racial harassment in the workplace.

Their traumatic experiences with Whittle have been written off as nothing more than him just being a truly awful human being, completely indiscriminate in his verbal assaults, and not specifically a violation of Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964